Silky Hair and Other Charms
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: Sequel to A Charming Man.  Gilderoy tries to convince Snape to join him in creating hair care products.


Severus Snape was used to odd sights. Every other week, something strange was happening at Hogwarts. If it wasn't breeding bunnies (last time he counted, there were over a thousand of them), it was sparkling walls (which wouldn't have been too bad if they had been sparkling _clean_ as opposed to simply sparkly). But as he rounded the corner, Snape couldn't help but think that he had never seen anything quite as odd as this.

The idiot that Minerva had hired was standing in front of a suit of armour, and as far as Snape could tell, he was patting his hair. Actually, Snape decided, the man was _stroking_ his hair and preening at his reflection.

"Good morning," Snape said sharply as he walked up behind the man.

Lockhart jumped and spun around.

Snape suppressed a groan. This was their new Defence against the Dark Arts professor? The man obviously had no awareness of his surroundings. "I see that you were ... admiring that suit of armour."

"Ah, yes," Lockhart said quickly. "It is quite... fifteenth century."

Obviously, Lockhart knew nothing about the history of wizarding armour either. "It's from the tenth century," Snape informed him.

Lockhart waved a hand dismissively. "Of course, of course, that's what I meant." He gave Snape a wide smile. "You teach Potions, yes? Minerva has told me a lot about you."

Somehow, Snape doubted that. Minerva wasn't usually one to fraternise with idiots. Then again, she had made the mistake of hiring Lockhart, so perhaps her judgement wasn't that good after all. "Yes, I do."

"Wonderful!" Lockhart beamed. "I wanted to speak to you, actually. I have a line of hair care products." He lowered his voice and stepped closer to Snape. "It's all a bit hush, hush really. I've been looking for a partner to start a business with."

"I see." Snape took a step backwards.

Lockhart leaned forward and ran a hand through his hair, shaking it in Snape's direction. Snape coughed. "Smell that! It's violet and sandalwood," Lockhart enthused. "My own formula, of course. I've perfected it over the years. All I need is somebody to brew it. I couldn't spend all day slaving over a cauldron, you know. It's terrible on the complexion."

"And you thought that you'd ask somebody such as myself?" Snape asked acidly.

The subtleties of his comment were obviously lost on Lockhart. "Exactly," Lockhart said happily. "It's not a hard job at all. I'm sure you could do it."

Snape was beginning to wonder if Albus would react badly if he simply blasted this man into the wall. He'd be doing the world a favour. Surely, nobody actually enjoyed spending time in the company of this man! "If you truly believed that I'd say yes to such an offer, then you have fewer brain cells than I thought," he snapped.

Lockhart had the gall to look hurt. "I was going to allow you to have samples of my shampoo and conditioner for free if you helped."

Snape's eyes narrowed. "And why would that be?" His fingers itched to grab his wand, but he decided to resist. There were too many potential witnesses here.

"Your hair," Lockhart explained. Before Snape could react, Lockhart stepped forward and lifted a lock of Snape's hair. "It's greasy and lifeless."

Snape's hand shot up and clamped around Lockhart's wrist. "Let go," he ground out.

Lockhart's eyes widened as he stepped backwards. "No need to be like that," he said grumpily. "I was just pointing out the truth. You don't need to be offended. Not everybody can have hair like mine."

Snape stroked his wand.

Lockhart prattled on, oblivious to the potential danger he was in. "Minerva was the one who gave me the idea actually. She suggested that I start my own hair care company. Now I couldn't just abandon my teaching career like that, but then I realised. Why couldn't I do that on the side? That way, I can still teach young minds how to fight the terrors of the wizarding world, while ensuring that they're well-groomed as well!"

Snape made a mental note to strangle Minerva next time he saw her.

"Such a lovely woman, Minerva," Lockhart said. "I fear that she might have been attracted to me, poor dear. Many women find my charms irresistible."

Snape was feeling the irresistible urge to punch Lockhart in the nose. Or turn him into a rodent. He wasn't sure which would be more satisfying. Sod Albus, he suddenly decided. There was only so much he could take. This man obviously didn't know who he was talking to.

"You," Snape said softly. "You are an idiot."

Lockhart's eyes widened.

Snape took a silent step forward. "One piece of advice, Lockhart," he murmured. "I would be careful if I were you. You wouldn't want your career at Hogwarts to end... suddenly." He was amused to see the sudden flicker of fear in Lockhart's eyes.

"I ... I must go to class now," Lockhart said quickly.

"Of course," Snape said. "We wouldn't want you to keep your students waiting."

He watched as Lockhart hurried off and then allowed himself a small smile. Perhaps it wouldn't be that bad after all. Lockhart may have been an idiot, but he was rather amusing. Snape was going to have fun with him. But first... Snape turned on his heel and marched straight towards Minerva's office.

* * *

Minerva threw her hands in the air. "I most certainly did not suggest that he start a hair care company while in the employ of Hogwarts!" she exclaimed. "I'm surprised at you, Severus."

"I take it that you aren't wildly attracted to the man either," Snape said dryly. He should have known that Lockhart wouldn't have known the truth if it danced around on a table in a nightdress and then bit him on the nose.

Minerva turned a faint shade of green. "No. Of course not."

Snape smirked. "Well, he thinks you are."

"Oh, lovely," Minerva said with a sigh. "I told Albus we shouldn't have hired that imbecile."

Snape raised an eyebrow. He didn't think he had ever heard Minerva be anything but polite about a fellow staff member.

"Oh shut up," Minerva told him crossly. "My only consolation is that he probably won't be here long. He only signed a contract for a year. _Surely_ next year there'll be better candidates."

Snape nodded. "One can only hope."

-fin


End file.
